it's a phase, it's a phase.

you know, when I decided to write a blog post, usually because I've been thinking lately.

well, now I don't. I write a blog post because I'm not thinking about anything lately. I've been busy with task and work, this is all overwhelming and I don't even have any time to wander around. bahkan di jalan ketika aku nyetir, it was always in such a rush. no time for ngelamun-ngelamun goblo. begitu pula ketika tengah malam dan baru sampai rumah, I just simply sleep the whole night. without thinking about anything, nggak seperti ketika aku sekolah dulu, ketika malam-malam nggak bisa tidur dan hanya memandang langit-langit kamar dengan sendu. I just miss that kind of night.

now, if I have that kind of night, I would probably cut myself in the veins because life has been swallowing me around. the task, work, family, friends. banyak hal yang aku korbankan dengan segala kesibukan ini. but I'm happy after all. I'm sad, I get angry, I feel sick. but happy.

college has been so much fun. it's a fun because I lolololololove communication. how people interacted to each other and it becomes who they really are, the arts of exploring people with language and symbols, so does many other things that I actually write on this blog about people (turns out is really in the books), excites me. tapi tugas dan segala test yang take home serasa mengejar terus. sometimes I need to stop and clear my mind, tapi gak bisa.

satu-satunya relaksasi buatku mungkin cuma kerja. entah kerja atau tempat kerjaku. aku selalu senang disini entah kenapa. meski kalo mau berangkat mager, tapi setelah sampe pasti males pulang. ada aja yang aku kerjain. meski kadang aku disini sedirian dan hanya berkutat dengan laptop dan tugas-tugasku sampe punggungku serasa mau rontok, but I love this place. I don't know why. melihat tempat ini berubah jadi suatu tempat yang menjadi derita buat yang lain itu sakit. the things is, I can't control their mind. aku nggak bisa mengatur pikiran mereka untuk suka terhadap satu hal secara spesifik begini.

in this point, sepertinya semua orang lagi bosen dan menyalahkan keadaan, tempat, orang, siapapun dan apapun yang bisa disalahkan kecuali diri mereka sendiri. I am not that kind of person.

I am that kind of person who's willing to please everybody.
listen to their sad story, smile everytime they're angry, calm everybody out and remain silence. I just simply, listen. I'm basically a trash bag, oh tentu saja...

lagi chillin' nih michiko

for me, personally. it's just a phase. rasa bosan, rasa capek kerja dan kuliah bebarengan, rasa bahagia yang hanya sementara, this is all a phase. I don't know how people get through with it, but I think this is the way I could enjoy life. we are suriving in our own way. I can't blame them for that, and so do they.

it's just... curahan hati mereka itu yang kadang membuat aku lelah. lelah secara mental tentunya.

I try my best to not being too emotional because being vulnerable is so wrong in this society. I can never done that because my emotion could affect how someone would treat me or at least, their mood. I've been doing this all my entire life and nobody is taking an actual care. sometimes I feel so small and inadequate but I have to tell myself that I should not take their words that much. sulit memercayai bagaimana orang-orang bisa hidup tanpa mengetahui bahwa right beside them, this is me. berkutat dengan pikiranku sendiri, terus menerus menyalahkan diri mengapa orang lain nggak bisa menganggap kehidupan mereka sebagai hal yang memang harus dijalani dan hal yang memang selalu disertai konflik.

but we survived after all, don't we.

well, I will just keep telling myself, it's just a phase.