dealing with pain and apologize

I hate eid. I love ramadan but I hate eid. 

I have wrote about that something years ago, I hate how everyone in house was not going to apologize to me. I mean, the only one they are yelling at when something doesn't goes right is me. plus, everytime I eat something, I have to clean the dishes of the whole family. why the fuck people done that kind of things? why couldn't you just wash your dishes right after you finish your meal? that's why I'm not that agree to a general assumption of eid mubarak, "hari kemenangan" is so not me.

this ramadan, hari kemenangan means days when I don't go to the mosque just because I wanna do tarawih on my own and read my al qur'an. I feel whole. maybe this kind of things suits me right. deep down in this girl you call bitch, there still the heart of a virgin mary. wait, I shouldn't said that right? 

speaking of apologize, I need to say something about my ex (and our relationship). yes, my ex boyfriend. the one that broke me up two years ago. I was thinking lately, I left him before he left our relationship. and one of the reason is because he never apologize. he never says sorry like he used to, that makes me feel like it was all my fault and I'm the worst person in the world. I think a man should approach first in any condition, this is may sounds so unfair but hell yeah girls need that. so that, I left him. my body was there, but my soul was gone so long before he said that we are not a couple anymore. and here goes the story.

since then, I feel like pain is the part of living a life. what makes you a alive is that you feel the pain. I'm addicted to pain. I couldn't be more selfless since. every part of my life is dedicated to someone. every decisions I made was not for my pleasure, it's for "kepentingan bersama". now, I forgot how to love myself in that kind of way. 

it's sucks when everybody seems happy for what you've done and you just feel like something is missing. admit it, there is no "aku bahagia ketika orang lain bahagia" you will always have that kind of envy feelings. that's normal. even johnny depp would feel that, I don't know why his name randomly popped out of my head.

day by day, I kinda admit that maybe it's my destiny to be the selfless person in a circumstance. but today, this isn't right. I shouldn't feel sorry about myself. pain is not demand to be felt, pain should be something you're dealing with. something that makes you stronger than before. and that's what am I actually doing with my pains this far. I'm just convincing myself that pain is God's punishment for a cold hearted bitch like me and make it sounds like a teenage drama..... hey, I'm geminian. no wonder why.

from dealing with pain, I also realized that apologize really means something to me. it's not just a words, it means someone appreciate you as a person. that's explain much why it's such a big deal if nobody asks me for apologize in eid mubarak, I don't think they count me as a person. it makes me feel invisible after all things I sacrifice. 

by the way, a friend of mine asked me for apologize because she doesn't know that my birthday is that day. she congratulate me and I cut some piece of cake for her iftar (she's fasting) and lend her my tupperware. the next week, she asked me for apologize AGAIN, because she left my tupperware. just that, she forgot my birthday (which is still the same day) and left my tupperware. 

I smiled everytime I remember that moment. maybe I just feel special. so rare.